


Spaghetti, Secret Identities, and Spoilers

by weird_situation



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, utter absurdity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-17
Updated: 2012-05-17
Packaged: 2017-11-05 13:24:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Herein lies romance novelists, fainting couches, the Heimlich maneuver, and piranhacondas. Or, the Avengers have dinner together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spaghetti, Secret Identities, and Spoilers

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing. Also, Harlequin didn’t start publishing romance novels until 1953, which is after Steve’s time, but we’re fiddling with the space time continuum for fic purposes. This came about because I wanted to write one of the Avengers having a secret passion for writing romance novels. I swear it was supposed to focus more on that than whatever random shenanigans happen at the dinner table. Oops.

Steve looked around the table, glad that for once everyone was at dinner. He wasn’t too sure about the book Clint had brought though. There was a rather scantily clad couple on the cover and it didn’t appear to be dinner table appropriate.

“Whatcha got there?” Tony pointed at Clint’s book, mouth full of spaghetti. Steve looked at Tony pointedly, and Tony snapped his mouth shut. Clint grinned and started to read out loud from the book.

“...and she shuddered as he entered her, breathing so fast she thought she’d expire. She moaned as - hey Steve, you’re looking awfully red there. Is _Lovers' Gasp_ too much for you? I actually thought you’d like Stephanie Robinson’s work. She’s got this old fashioned way of looking at love. And sex,” Clint said, delighted at Steve’s blush.

Except Steve wasn’t blushing because Clint decided to read a sex scene at the dinner table. No, he was blushing because he wrote said sex scene. Admittedly, it was under a pseudonym, so it wasn’t like the other Avengers knew he’d written it, but still. It was awkward.

“Okay, okay, let’s stop teasing the ninety-year-old virgin,” Tony said, reaching over to pat Steve’s head. Steve batted his hand away, frowning.

“You know I’m not a virgin, right? People did have sex in the forties; it’s not like you guys invented it here in the 21st century.”

Tony gasped and clasped his hands over his chest dramatically. Clint fanned Tony with his hands, grinning at him and offering to lead the other man to the fainting couch. (They actually had a fainting couch in the living room. Clint and Tony had taken to claiming they’d been overcome with the vapors whenever they wanted to avoid serious discussions. Which was more often than not. In any case, Tony had decided they needed a proper fainting couch.)

Bruce rolled his eyes at their antics and reached for the salad. He and Natasha exchanged a long suffering look as Thor began to welcome Steve to the wondrous world of manhood and Steve attempted to tell him that he’d been a man for as long as they’d known each other, no welcoming necessary. Thor was ignoring him, demanding that they plan a celebration for the occasion. 

Natasha was infinitely grateful there was one other sane person on the team, even if he did turn into a giant green monster occasionally.

“Why do you even have that?” Bruce asked Clint, fork pointed at the book.

“Found it in Stark’s room.” Clint shrugged.

Tony squawked and began protesting vehemently. Natasha immediately began asking Tony about his secret romance novel addiction.

“I do not know why you all tease Tony about his reading habits. I quite enjoy the works of one Stephanie Robinson. She is wise in the ways of love. Jane and I enjoy reading passages aloud to each other before our lovemaking.”

Steve’s face was getting redder and redder as the conversation continued. Bruce was worried about his blood pressure.

“TMI, big guy,” Clint said to Thor.

“I think Steve is going to explode,” Bruce whispered to Natasha. She nodded and stole a bite of salad from his plate. He nudged it over towards her as Tony began denying he had anything to do with the novel.

“...besides, I don’t even own _Lovers' Gasp_. It’s the one Robinson novel I haven’t had time to read yet!”

All eyes turned to Tony as the man in question started turning as red as Steve.

“I mean...” Tony tried to back peddle, but it was too late. Blood had been scented.

“So. You don’t own _this_ one, but you have all her other stuff?” Clint asked, a manic grin on his face.

“I plead the fifth.”

“Tasha, want to torture it out of him?”

“Gladly,” Natasha said, rising from her seat. Tony stared at her, frozen in his seat.

He was entirely unprepared when she started tickling his sides. Arms and legs flailed as Tony tried to escape her evil fingers of doom, but all he succeeded in doing was falling off his chair, though he did manage to drag Natasha down with him. She still landed on top of him and continued her assault while straddling his waist.

Clint and Thor were cheering Natasha on, jumping out of their seats to get closer to the action. Steve just groaned and Bruce offered him a slice of garlic bread. Thanking Bruce, Steve took the bread and bit into it viciously. If he was pretending it was the heads of various team members, well, that was his business and no one else’s.

“Uncle! Stop. Stooooop,” Tony managed to force out between his giggles and little hiccups of breath. Natasha stilled her fingers, but didn’t get off of Tony.

“Do you or do you not own all of one Stephanie Robinson’s novels except for _Lovers' Gasp_?” Natasha asked, fingers lightly touching Tony’s sides.

Taking a deep breath, Tony replied. “I refuse to - “

His words broke off as Natasha started tickling him again, this time Clint and Thor joining in until the four were a big pile of squirming limbs rolling around on the floor. 

Steve grinned at the sound of everyone’s laughter and Bruce laughed as Tony started begging for someone to rescue him.

“Sir, it might behoove you to tell them what they wish to know,” JARVIS said, amusement clear in his voice.

The three torturing Tony stopped to give him a breather.

“Even my AI is turning on me,” he muttered, before holding his hands up in surrender. “Yes, fine. I love Stephanie Robinson’s novels. They appeal to the hopeless romantic in me. Happy?”

“Extremely,” said Natasha as she smoothly rose to her feet. Clint just laid down on the ground next to Tony and motioned Thor to do the same.

“It’s okay, buddy. That’s actually my copy of _Lovers' Gasp_ ,” Clint said.

“You are a horrible, horrible human being,” said Tony, punching Clint’s arm.

“I know.” Clint smiled, clearly proud of himself.

“If we’re making confessions, I’ll admit I like reading her stuff,” Bruce said, trying to decide if he wanted more spaghetti or not. He had no shame about his reading habits. Once everyone has seen your alter ego’s giant green penis, you kind of gained perspective on what was really embarrassing in life.

“Oh god,” said Steve. He couldn’t believe they all read his books. Not that they knew they were his, but it was still ridiculously embarrassing for the man.

“I like reading them in the bath,” added Natasha. She walked over to the freezer to get out a fudgesicle. “There’s just something about them that really appeals to me. Probably the fact that there’s a great balance of action and romance. And Robinson really knows how to write sex scenes that are not only arousing, but sweet and full of emotion as well.” She nodded sagely, the effect somewhat ruined by the fudgesicle she’d just shoved halfway into her mouth.

Everyone made noises of agreement, except for Steve, who thumped his head down on the table in despair. He really didn’t need to know his sex scenes were hot and sweet and whatever else they were saying now.

“What’s with him?” asked Clint.

“He’s probably mortified we read books that have the sex in them,” mock whispered Tony.

“Nope,” said Bruce. Everyone turned to look at him. He blinked at the attention. “Uh, well. Steve, can I tell them?”

Steve was baffled. Was Bruce saying he knew that Steve was Stephanie? He nodded his agreement to Bruce, figuring it was time they found out. At least they liked the books. And if Bruce didn’t know the truth, well, whatever he came up with had to be less embarrassing.

“Steve wrote them. Stephanie Robinson is a penname,” Bruce told the others.

“Shut the front door,” Clint gasped.

“Did you seriously just say that?” asked Tony.

“I don’t think my word choice is what we should be focusing on here!” Clint smacked Tony’s arm and sat up to stare at Steve. “You seriously write romance novels?”

Steve ducked his head and avoided everyone’s eyes. He nodded, not really wanting to see their reactions.

He heard their reactions instead.

“Oh my god. This is like finding out your mom is a porn star.”

“Clint that is not like this at all.” Natasha shook her head at him.

“It really is,” Tony said as he got to his feet.

“What is a ‘porn star’ and why would your mother being one be a bad thing?” asked Thor.

“Nose goes!” yelled Clint, bringing his finger up to touch his nose. Natasha, Bruce, and Steve quickly followed. Tony blinked at them.

“I’m shocked and appalled you all thought I wouldn’t want to explain this one.”

The others exchanged glances, clearly conceding to Tony’s point.

“Thor. A porn star is a person who sex on camera so that other people can watch and receive sexual gratification.”

“It seems a noble profession. As is Steve’s writing of the romance. I see why the comparison was made.”

“I really don’t think you do,” Natasha said. Thor shrugged as best he could while laying down.

“So, Steve, or should I say Stephanie, why on earth did you start writing romance novels?” Tony asked, grabbing a slice of garlic bread and shoving the entire thing into his mouth.

Steve rubbed a hand over his face, hoping that if he ignored the question long enough it would go away. Of course, that was never going to happen with this group of individuals.

“Steeeeve. Answer the question.” Tony crossed his arms and pouted.

“It was an easy way to get money. Harlequin was always looking for more writers and it wasn’t that hard to whip out a story or two for a check.” Steve shrugged.

“Okay...didn’t realize you actually wrote novels before you went and got all buff, so we’ll come back to that. Actually, JARVIS? Can you look and see if there are any - what name did you write under back then?”

“Same name.” Steve felt like banging his head on the table again. Of course they didn’t know he wrote romance novels before the war.

“Right. Look for novels published by one Stephanie Robinson during the 30s and get them for me. Electronic or paper, doesn’t matter which.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Great. Now. Steve. Darling. Favorite romance author of mine. Why on earth did you start writing again after being unfrozen?”

Looking at his fingers and the way they twirled a fork around to stall for time, Steve thought about how to answer that. The truth was Steve wasn’t really sure why he decided to write more books. He sighed and tried to answer.

“I suppose it was easier to write a fantasy world than it was to live in the real one for awhile. And after things started becoming easier, it was a good way to relieve stress.”

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then Tony started choking on the latest piece of garlic bread he’d shoved into his mouth.

“Heimlich! Who can Heimlich?” yelled Clint (he never could quite get the hang of the Heimlich maneuver. It was a constant source of vexation for the man.).

Steve rushed around to Tony’s side, but Bruce got there first and wrapped his arms around Tony and proceeded to Heimlich the shit out of Tony. The wad of bread landed at Clint’s feet, and he nudged it away with his foot, a grimace on his face.

Gasping for air, Tony patted Bruce’s arms in thanks and gave Natasha a grateful look when she pressed a glass of water into his hand. Thor, who had leapt to his feet the moment Tony started choking, began scolding Tony for scaring them.

“Maybe now he’ll learn to chew his food,” Natasha said to Steve and Bruce as the trio watched Clint and Thor fuss over Tony.

“One can only hope,” Steve said, eyes never leaving Tony.

“Right. Well. That was exciting,” said Tony. “But don’t think I’ve forgotten why we’re here.”

“Dinner?” Bruce said dryly.

“Funny. No, we are here in order to gain insight into the mind of the greatest romance novelist of our time.”

“Please tell me that’s just you exaggerating again.” Steve sat down again, not entirely sure he wanted to finish this conversation.

“Nope. All the major publications are saying it. Even Nora Roberts, and she’s like the queen of romance novels. You should feel proud of yourself.”

“I do?”

“You don’t sound very sure of yourself,” Natasha said, tossing her fudgesicle stick in the trash. “Stark, stop eating my fudgesicles. I will kill you.”

“Why do you think it’s me?” Tony whined. It was him, of course, but it still irked him to be blamed right off the bat.

“Who else is stupid enough to eat my stuff? Clint’s learned the hard way not to touch my food, and Thor despises fudgesicles, which I still don’t understand, but whatever. Bruce and Steve are too smart to take my food without permission, so that leaves you.”

“And JARVIS.”

“He has no body.”

“He has a Dummy.”

“Dummy can’t open the freezer. We robot proofed the kitchen after the last time one of them managed to flood it with ice cubes,” Bruce jumped in.

“Wait. Is that why I can’t get ice anymore?” Clint asked.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

“It’s robot proof, not anyone with half a brain proof. You should be able to figure out how to get ice.” Natasha rolled her eyes at Clint. He stuck his tongue out at her. She ignored him. “In any case, if I ever find one of my fudgesicles missing again, I will hunt you down and feed you to a piranhaconda. I’m pretty sure SHIELD has one stashed somewhere.”

“We really need to stop watching SyFy movies,” Clint said to a terrified Tony. “Her threats get scarier the more we watch.”

Steve started shaking with laughter. He could not believe this was his life.

Thor sniffed. Loudly. The others turned to see him reading _Lovers' Gasp_ and trying to hold back tears.

“Are you at the part where Maggie is leaving John for his own good?” asked Clint, completely forgetting about the previous conversation in favor of commiserating with the god about the book.

“Spoiler alert dickwad!” yelled Tony, clapping his hands over his ears and walking out of the room. Clint flipped him off as Thor nodded in response to his question.

“It’s okay buddy, you know there’s always a happy ending.”

“But why can they not be happy now?” Thor turned pleading eyes to Steve. “Can you not prevent all these misunderstandings between the lovers?”

Steve gaped. He really had no clue how to answer that one. Publishers always liked a bit of drama.

“Thor,” Natasha began gently. “Doesn’t the pain of separation make the reunion that much sweeter? And aren’t they happier at the end for having this time apart to learn about themselves?”

Nodding, Thor put the book down and went over to hug Steve.

“Thank you for sharing your stories of love and suffering.”

Steve awkwardly patted Thor on the back, not quite sure how to handle that sentiment.

Thor wandered into the living room, presumably to find Tony, and Clint followed closely behind, muttering about spoilers.

Rolling her eyes at the pair exiting the kitchen, Natasha began clearing the table. Steve and Bruce got up to help.

“You know, I think it’s Clint’s turn to do the dishes,” Steve said, looking at the mess in the sink. Natasha laughed.

“I heard that! And it’s definitely not my turn!” yelled Clint from the living room. “Tony what is that? NO! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” 

“THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO SPOIL ME!”

The sound of Clint running from something filled the air and the Avengers that remained in the kitchen just looked at each other before silently agreeing it was best not to investigate. It was dangerous to interfere when the two were in war mode.

Clint skidded into the kitchen and dove behind Bruce, holding the scientist in front of him. Following closely behind was Tony, who paused when he saw Clint had a human shield.

“I will make him Hulk out, don’t think I won’t,” Clint threatened. Bruce frowned. Steve reached over and slapped Clint upside the head.

“No you won’t. Now apologize for spoiling Tony, and Tony, you apologize for whatever you did to Clint.” Steve folded his arms over his chest and gave the pair his ‘I’m disappointed in you and you should feel ashamed of yourselves’ look. It was an extremely effective look.

“Sorry for telling you that Maggie comes back to John after giving birth to their daughter that he didn’t know about,” Clint said, a shit-eating grin on his face, still hiding behind Bruce.

“You fucking fuck. Your apology is not accepted because you just keep spoiling me and I refuse to be friends with a person who does such atrocious things.” Tony glared at Clint.

“I’m really sorry,” Clint started again, smile gone from his face. He stepped out from behind Bruce and walked over to stand in front of Tony looking contrite. “That you didn’t know John got married to someone else while Maggie was off giving birth.”

Tony stomped out of the kitchen, Clint following him, yelling out spoilers disguised as apologies.

“At least he’s actually started using the word ‘sorry’ in his apologies,” Bruce said as he watched the pair bicker.

“True. We have to use baby steps for those two,” Natasha replied.

“But John didn’t marry anyone while Maggie was away.” Steve’s eyebrows were drawn together in confusion. “I definitely didn’t write that.”

“Clint is what we like to call a troll. He delights in making others suffer at his hands. Just ignore him,” Natasha called out as she left the kitchen. “That’s what I always do.”

Steve continued to frown. Shaking his head, he turned to Bruce.

“How’d you know I wrote those books anyway?”

“Saw you answering Stephanie Robinson fanmail. You were kind of distracted and didn’t hear me come in. Noticed you weren’t signing Steve Rogers so I got curious. Looked up Stephanie Robinson online and read the books. They’re quite good.”

Steve opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again.

Laughing, Bruce steered him towards the living room, where the death threats had finally tapered off.

“Don’t worry about it. You should focus on Supernatural. We’re on season four now and I really think you’re gonna love Cas.”

“But Dean died! I don’t want to watch it anymore.”

“It’s okay, Steve. He didn’t really die. Well. I mean. He did. But he comes back.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

Bruce and Steve sat on the couch, ignoring Thor, who was still reading in an armchair, and Clint and Tony, who were wrestling on the floor.

Looking around the living room, Steve grinned as he saw Natasha sneak in, book in hand, and settle down on the couch next to him. Bruce was pulling up an episode of Supernatural and Clint and Tony had stopped wrestling in order to watch the show, though they had started fighting over who was better, Sam or Dean. Thor had finally stopped sniffling and was beaming at his book.

Steve loved family dinner night.


End file.
